Save Trump’s Blowjobs! or How to Amend the Constitution.
Make it about Trump. And men who wish they were.
Boy, have we got constitutional problems.
The overruling of Roe v. Wade bodes ill for privacy cases on birth control, sex between consenting adults, and gay marriage. In his concurrence in Dobbs, Justice Thomas said, “Bring it on!” Some states undoubtedly will.
The First Amendment sucks. It fails to build a wall between church and state. Three Supreme Court justices want to overrule precedent that neutral laws trump religious practices that conflict with them. The current text will not stop chunks of America from becoming a theocratic shithole.
The way we elect a president is garbage. It allows a minority of Americans to choose the president based on the irrelevant fiction of state borders and the antiquated (or is it?) desire to protect slaveholders. It doesn’t ensure that someone sitting in jail can’t become president.
The Constitution needs to be amended. Privacy protections should be express, not penumbral. I’ve fixed that. The First Amendment needs amending. Like this. And I’ve fixed how we elect presidents (and some other stuff).
But I can’t amend the Constitution by myself. So how do you get three-fourths of the states to embrace reform?
You make it, like everything else in Trumpland, all about Trump.
Below are Trump-themed amendments the far right would lap up. The footnotes refer to the proper constitutional text that is set out below.
1. The right of Donald Trump to get a blow job shall not be infringed. Trump gets to stick it where he wants and do the usual basic stuff or some truly weird shit. This shall not extend to Trump sleeping with his daughter, though that is funny, and look at her, could you blame him?[1]
2. When getting busy like the rock star he is, Donald Trump may wear a condom to protect himself from disease and other unpleasant surprises. If Trump would prefer to raw dog it, he has the right to assume the girl has that shit handled.[2]
3. If the girl turns up pregnant, it’s not his, but because he is a very, very generous person, Donald Trump (and Herschel Walker, and all Republican men who pay lip service to traditional values) may pay for their whore’s abortion, at least until it’s really obvious. If the little liar would rather get rid of it herself without hitting Trump up for money, she has the right to do that. She doesn’t even have to tell him about it. In fact, that’s preferable. If she decides to keep it, like a loser, Donald Trump has to support it, which is terribly unfair.[3]
4. Donald Trump is too much man for any one woman, and his kids seems just fine.[4]
5. When Donald Trump tells you to do something, try telling him it’s against your religion.[5]
6. The greatest threat to our country’s survival? An-ti-fa.[6]
7. The only thing giving white people half a prayer is Equal Protection. It really is. Sad. [7]
8. Two words, people. Hunter Biden. That’s your future.[8]
9. Donald Trump doesn’t need the Electoral College. If it didn’t exist in 2016, Trump would have campaigned differently and won.[9]
ACTUAL TEXT BELOW
[1] Neither the states nor the federal government shall regulate intimate conduct between persons 18 year of age or older who are not blood relations to the fourth degree or closer.
[2] Neither the states nor the federal government shall prohibit the sale and prescription of birth control devices used by either men or women except to regulate safety and efficacy.
[3] Neither the states nor the federal government shall prohibit or interfere with a pregnant person’s right to medically terminate a pregnancy before the fifteenth week, nor shall consent of the father be required. The father of any child carried to term shall be required to support it financially.
[4] Each state shall recognize civil marriage, which is a temporary domestic contract between any two adults. The right to parent children shall not be limited to couples of one man and one woman.
[5] The Free Exercise Clause of the First Amendment shall not exempt anyone from obligations under the generally applicable authority of state and federal legislative, executive, judicial, and other acts. No state or federal statute, regulation, judicial, or other act, the constitutionality of which having been challenged in any state or federal court, shall be defended or upheld, in whole or in part, under any standard of review, on the grounds that it is dictated by the teachings of any religion or the commands of a supreme being.
[6] Congress and the states may enact reasonable restrictions on the purchase and ownership of arms protected by the Second Amendment.
[7] The rights and duties that benefit and burden Donald Trump benefit and burden all persons in this country. This shall not entitle the People to a share of Donald Trump’s money, power, or pussy, however attained.
[8] No person, otherwise eligible, shall be eligible to the office of President who has been convicted in any state or federal court of any crime that, if committed while serving as President, would legally justify their impeachment and removal from office. The pendency of any appeal shall not stay this ineligibility.
[9] Fuck the Electoral College. The President shall be “elected by popular national vote.” But really, fuck the Electoral College.
THE END
If you you enjoyed this free read, please put my political satire, “Threeway” on your Kindle for cheap. Or get the paperback. (Different subtitle, same book. Don’t ask.)
Here’s a good review from Kirkus. Thanks for reading.
